It was the beginning of my adventure into mindfulness. That book was a steppingstone into a new chapter of my life. She also put a book in my hand called “ The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. I opened up to my mom about what I was going through, and lucky for me, she offered me unconditional love. It was an extremely dark period of my life and was absolutely the toughest thing I’ve ever dealt with. I was panicking about having panic attacks. I was going through tremendous suffering. I remember some meetings at work where I was holding on to the arms of my chair with all my might because it felt like I was holding on for dear life. This only led to more acute fear and panic. I chose initially to bottle it up and not tell anyone other than my wife about it. Would people be disgusted by me? Repulsed by me? Scared of me? What if I had a panic attack in front of friends? Or family? What would happen if I had a panic attack at work? What would people think? Panic Attacks Led Me to MindfulnessĪs I began to have more panic attacks, it led to more fears: That turned out to be a recipe for an onslaught of more panic attacks. The sensations were so alarming to me that I wanted to avoid them at all costs. I started fearing the prospect of having another panic attack. In my case, that’s when things got really funky. Even after the effects of the panic attack wore off, I was really scared about what had happened. It felt like I was in imminent danger and like I was about to die. It’s like I had completely lost my grip on reality. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. My anxiety became so acute that I suffered a panic attack at one point in my 30s. I had such a rigid shell of fear about the potential of letting anyone down that it was like I was walking on pins and needles most of the time. I worked relentlessly and I tried hard to please everyone. I now realize, as an adult, that it’s because I thought I might not be lovable if I didn’t perform.įast forward to early adulthood, and I was a guy who was very tightly-wound. Therefore as a kid I felt very uncomfortable if I didn’t perform well at everything I did. But due to my environment or my genetics or whatever else, I oriented myself toward performance. ![]() I adore my parents and I had a wonderful childhood. Now I’m not claiming that I was forced by my parents or anyone else to get perfect grades or to perform in any other way. None of the kids in my household got anything less than straight As. To give you an idea of the environment I was in, I had two brothers and all three of us were the valedictorians of our respective classes. We were pretty hard core in my house as a kid. If I wasn’t performing well (in the form of doing well with grades, household chores, social etiquette, etc), then it was a major blow to my sense of self-worth. But I think my childhood played a role in the eventual onset of my panic disorder.Īs a kid, I oriented myself toward performance. ![]() Yet here I am, a guy with panic disorder, currently experiencing success in the stock market. That’s typically not good for making money in the stock market! Panic is a fear that has so much intensity that it overwhelms the rational brain. ![]() Would you expect that a guy with a history of panic attacks would do well in the stock market? To me and maybe to most people, that doesn’t seem likely.Īfter all, when it comes to trading stocks, panic can derail otherwise logical decisions. We applaud Eric for sharing, and we hope his story will help others. When Eric Ferguson from Mindful Trader reached out to us about sharing his battle with panic attacks, we were thrilled to be able to help him contribute to the discussion regarding mental health in the personal finance space. Those of us seeking early retirement might have a tendency to overwork ourselves, or get so emotionally wrapped up in our pursuit that it can be detrimental to our health. Editor's note: When it comes to the financial independence movement, mental health is often overlooked.
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